Advertising
by pretense
Summary: Promotional activities aren’t always… ah, convincing… But then again, who wouldn’t want to win a date with Ulquiorra Schiffer… Anyone?


**Summary:** Promotional activities aren't always… ah, convincing… But then again, who wouldn't want to win a date with Ulquiorra Schiffer… Anyone? …Anyone?!

**Genre:** Humor

**Pairing: **None but with mentions of shounen-ai…

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN BLEACH. Nor do I own the term 'Gape orn', coined by Slinkers from DeviantArt.

**A/N:** …yeah… random… not much, well actually, no plot at all…

**Background info:** I'll put it like this, let's just say that Aizen-sama needs more 'supporters', per se, and as a way to do this, the great conqueror of Las Noches decides to host a promo of sorts to get more people on his side… But something went wrong along the way and somehow his fourth Espada got caught in the whole fiasco…

**"Advertising"**

Her heart kept beating wildly in her chest, her white-gloved hands incessantly clutching her velvet black purse. Chocolate eyes insecurely looked around… The word 'grandeur' seemed to be spray-painted everywhere… High-class people and imported furniture and food surrounded the poor teen… What was she doing there anyway? Oh, yes… That promo that she'd won…

"Good evening, _signora_, I assume you are the lucky girl?" a waiter who seemed to be in his late twenties approached the girl and, upon receiving a nod in response, led the guest to a room at the second floor of the Italian restaurant… Knocking thrice at a tall oaken door, the man announced the arrival of the guest before opening the door for the lady like a true gentleman. (*signora = Italian word for lady/madam)

Thanking the man, a teen in a lilac-hued dress walked into the room, finding herself breathless at its splendor… Then her eyes spotted the most ethereal sight of all… Ulquiorra Schiffer, in a crisp white tuxedo, waiting for her at a candlelit table for two… It was a dream come true for an ordinary fan girl like her… After wasting all her allowance money on purchasing raffle tickets, it finally came down to this…

She cautiously took her seat opposite the Arrancar, trying her best (and failing miserably) on suppressing the blush on her cheeks as she felt the other's cool green eyes set on her… The girl shyly glanced up at her 'date' but ended up staring at the golden tablecloths instead… Ulquiorra was just so… so… Ahh, she could stay like this forever… Alone in a room with Ulquiorra… Just her and the Espada… bathing in candlelight… Forever and ever…

A few seconds passed in silence…

Five minutes went by…

Ten minutes…

Sixteen minutes and twenty seconds… twenty-one… twenty-two… twenty-three…

She was bored.

Suddenly, there was none of the euphoria that our dear little fan girl had felt earlier… Ulquiorra was now focused on the drips of white wax trailing down the side of the candle burning in between them… It was no secret that the fourth Espada has quite an apathetic persona… Even so, can't he even manage to say at least a 'hello'?! She'd been sitting across him for sixteen minutes now… and the Arrancar has yet to utter a single word… Well, this _is_ a one-time thing… she can't just let this night go to waste… If the guy won't start, then she sure as hell will…

Coughing politely, as to attract the other's attention, she smiled sweetly and spoke. "H-Hello, Ulquiorra-san…"

"Hn."

"I-It's a nice evening, don't you think so…?" She piped up, gaining a bit of confidence, hoping to get at least a small conversation going…

"Hn."

"T-This is a nice place you've picked… Everything's so lavish and beautiful…" The lilac-clad girl continued genially, keeping the smile on her lips despite her inner turmoil at the moment…

_(Inner thoughts: 'What the fuck, man?! All you say is 'Hn.', what the hell?! I didn't join the stupid promo just to hear you say 'Hn.' dammit!')_

However, the pale Arrancar surprised the girl with suddenly speaking out something other than 'hn'. "I didn't choose this place actually… Aizen-sama did… He's the one paying for all our expenses tonight…"

"Oh…" the girl said, lightening up a bit… Ulquiorra spoke!! Sweet, holy, Kami-sama, Ulquiorra spoke more than one syllable! Hallelujah! However, the girl's chocolate eyes couldn't help but notice the sullen expression on her 'date's' face… Being the fan girl that she is, she couldn't help but be concerned… "Um… Ulquiorra-san, is there anything wrong? Why so glum?"

"Hn?" Emerald eyes caught her own, as the Espada's features turned a bit into the calculative side…

"Are you sick?" she asked, concern lacing her tone.

"No."

"Are you worried about something?"

"No."

"Have you lost someone important to you?"

"No."

"…_Something_ important to you?"

"No."

"Your pet got run over by a car?"

"No."

"A Hollow ate your homework?"

"No."

"You ran out of make-up?"

"No."

"Do I owe you anything?"

"No."

"Does someone else owe you money and can't pay you back?"

"No."

"Do _you_ owe someone money and can't pay them back?"

"No."

"Did your cancer test result in positive?"

"No."

"HIV?"

"No."

"AIDS?"

"…No."

"Menstrual pain?"

"…"

"D'you miss Grimmjaw-sama?"

"Hell no!"

Her smile widened.

"… Wait, why does he have '-sama' and you only refer to me as '-san'?" the fourth Espada asked, eyebrows knitting closer together.

She shrugged, and then her eyes spotted something that could possibly be the solution to her current problem. "Ah, I know… You must be hungry, right? Why don't we get something to eat?" the tanned girl invited, picking up the menu on their table.

"I'm not hungry." Said the Arrancar, looking disinterestedly at the cream-hued walls.

Slim fingertips stopped midway from flipping the pages of the menu… '_It's Ulquiorra, keep calm… It's Ulquiorra, keep calm…_' the mantra repeated itself in her head. "Then…" she began, trying to refrain her smile from cracking up. "_WHAT_ are we doing in a five-star Italian restaurant if you're not even hungry to begin with?"

Ulquiorra Schiffer, in all his Espada glory, did the one thing that answers all… He shrugged.

Breathing deeply, the teen in the lilac dress, put down the menu. 'Well that was a fucking waste…' she thought, doing her best to restrain herself from grabbing the vase of white lilies between them and throwing it on the Arrancar's face. "Well, the night is still young, Ulquiorra-san… Would you like to go see a movie?"

"Hn, sure."

"Okay, what'd you want to watch?" chocolate eyes latched onto the Arrancar's face once more, beaming widely at her progress.

"Anything."

Scratch that progress, this is just going to get more and more difficult… She could feel it…

"Well, what genre do you like most?" the girl queried, batting her eyelashes.

Sadly for the human, Ulquiorra's sight currently trailed the embroidery of their table cloth, and he replied with his usual indifference, "Anything."

'Hmm… Might as well sort 'em all out…' the teen thought as she began her series of questions.

"Do you like Romance?" she began hopefully.

"Hn."

"Action?"

"Hn."

"Comedy?"

"Hn."

"Horror?"

"Hn."

"Suspense?"

"Hn."

"Drama?"

"Hn."

"Operas?"

"Hn."

"Animated films?"

"Hn."

"Sci-Fi?"

"Hn."

"Supernatural?"

"Hn."

"Documentaries?"

"Hn."

Desperate times called for desperate measures… "Porn?"

"Hn."

…the hell… "Gay porn?"

"Hn."

…Holy Kami-sama, this guy was freaking difficult!!

"Anything else?"

Chocolate irises widened… Ulquiorra just asked her a question… _He_ asked _her_ a question! It would've been a joyous occasion, if it were not for the fourth Espada's tone… Why… H-He… Was that a mocking tone that Ulquiorra just used?! Sweet Kami-sama, this guy's just screwing around!!

"Why I never-!"

The tanned teen was stopped in the midst of her statement as green eyes looked at her coldly, as if daring her to continue.

"If you're bored with me woman, you're free to leave…" the words escaped the Arrancar's pale lips.

Her breath hitched in her throat as the other's eyes bore into hers… Her genial smile was no more and in its place was a long thin frown.

"You're mean, Ulquiorra-san!! You're mean!!" The girl sputtered out, tears leaking from her eyes, and in one swift movement the lilac-clad teen was out of the door.

"AAAaaand, time's up!"

Accompanying the opening of a side door, was the loud announcement coming from a certain Espada Diez…

"What's the record?" was the statement that followed, uttered by an ice-blue haired Arrancar, a smirk readily plastered on his face.

Yammy looked down at the reading on the timer in his rather large palms. "Twenty-one minutes and thirty-four seconds!!" he announced in a booming voice.

"Tsch! Piece of shit, you can't even hold a woman for half an hour! Ha!" Grimmjaw didn't waste time in mocking the superior Espada…

Ulquiorra, however, being himself, only gave the previous Sixth his usual uncaring look. "Whatever."

"Hey, hey, Ulquiorra, what did that girl mean with… What was it… 'Gape orn'…?" The pink-haired Eight Espada asked, quite curious at hearing such a… _foreign_ word…

"Stupid Szayel!" Interjected the most effeminate of the group. Luppi had a smug grin on his lips, feeling proud that he knew something that their resident scientist didn't.

"Like you know anything about it, Luppi." Yammy jeered, pocketing the stopwatch.

"This is pointless, I'm going back to Hueco Mundo…" Ulquiorra muttered, rising from his seat.

"Ah… Don't be in such a hurry, Ulquiorra… Don't 'cha wanna know what you just agreed to watch with that girl?" Nnoitra asked, his usual sly sneer growing ever wider, his only visible eye intently watching the impassive Fourth…

"Shut up, shit-face…" Grimmjaw spat out, his remaining right arm deep within the pockets of his hakama, glaring coldly at the Fifth…

"Eh? What was that, _Former_ Mr. Six?" Luppi scoffed.

Grimmjaw's brows tightened, a growl escaping his throat. "Fuck you-"

"Grimmjaw." Ulquiorra's cool voice broke through, his pale hand securely on the hotheaded Arrancar's right wrist. "Aizen-sama wouldn't be too fond to hear that you demolished yet another human infrastructure…"

"Tsch." Hearing the fourth Espada's words, the previous Sixth only grunted and glared at the carpet.

With a motion of his hands, Ulquiorra opened a portal to Hueco Mundo and disappeared within it with Grimmjaw in tow.

"That's no fun…" Luppi pouted, seeing that his favorite target was now out-of-sight.

Szayel then coughed, earning the current Sixth's attention. "So, what were you saying about that '_Gape orn_'…?"

**Advertising**

**Or**

**Why Ulquiorra Can Never Get A Girlfriend**

**Or**

**How the Arrancars Learned about Ga-**

_Transmission disconnected._

**.:End:.**


End file.
